A friend of mine drew this for my baby Cha-cha…i love the curl on the top…its soo cute!

The Blonde Boyband and Yours Truly

Ahh the days when little girls and teeny boppy gals use to worship these blonde, cute & smiley faces. All these guys had to do was smile and we’d all go crazy, doesn’t matter if they could sing or not, hahahaha! GONE are those days now,  thank God!

But seriously, back then, in the year 2002, I had an oppportunityof a lifetime to meet Westlife face-to-face. I was the only fan there that night when they were playing football in Bukit Jalil, no words could form at my lips, especially towards Mark Feehily…I was inlurvv with him…hahaha…,Why did the young me fall for gay men? Oh by the way, since their glorified hands touched my less than worthy top, I basically enshrined my blouse for an entire year! Additionally, I did not bathe for one day, cause I wanted to keep them kisses on my cheek! hahahas..seriously, you might think they’d be stuck up and egotistical….quite the opposite..those Irish blokes are one of the most down-to-earth guys I’ve ever met and although I am no longer a tenny boppy fanatic, I will always cherish that memory.

I was diagnosed with severe Kyphosis in 2002, and I had to skip a whole year of school because of it. Meeting Westlife was like Heaven after all the hell I went through that year. Oh yeah, and I got my 5 minutes of fame too. Front page in the The Star, Malay Mail, Galaxy and local TV stations. Yep, every girl was jealous of me…hehehe.

Kudos to The Star for doing something worthwhile for once in their miserable existence! Where the hell was the Sun? Not enough money I take!!

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2002/10/30/nation/keisha&sec=nation

Actually, I don’t quite know the purpose of this post except to share in the news of my life post-CK.

I have not told my readers about certain things that went on in India during my medical visit in early September.

After having had a fresh MRI scan of both brain and spine, my team of surgeons discovered and had reached a unanimous decision that two tumors in my body needed to be surgically removed due to its size and possible sarcomatous transformation, a.k.a. malignancy. Total bummer right?

These two masses are located near the parotid gland (let’s call this one the neck tumor) and the other in the posterior sacrum (let’s call this one the pelvic tumor). The former is roughly 3.5 cm while the latter is a whopping 7 cm!

In fact, my team of devoted surgeons wanted to operate on these tumors first, before proceeding with Cyberknife. We convinced them otherwise however. This was due to a logistical problem. We only planned the trip for one week, we had not anticipated any of this. It was an absolute shocker to me. With all due respect to these competent doctors, I had my doubts too about these surgeries.

1) It all seemed very rushed. These tumors especially the neck one involved vital nerves. What were the risks to surgery?

2) I was not symptomatic though the tumors were present.

3) The MRI report stated that both tumors had undergone necrosis or cell death, and this positive sign is due to Bio Propolis, a natural extract from bees which has an anti-angiogenic effect (kills blood vessels) on NF-related tumors.

4) I hate going through surgery. It is a monumental task to mentally and physically prepare yourself.

Hence I slipped into the first stage of coping: DENIAL.

Yep, I went through that whole trip not thinking about my tumors. I denied it to myself that they existed. I built a wall around me which none could penetrate. I pretended that everything was just fine. I convinced myself I didn’t need more surgeries because I was fine. I went through the CK procedure and was looking forward to a nice waffle breakfast with TYL when I arrived back in K.L. (DENIAL was also due to the fact that Chanel had died while I was away in Chennai).

However, life never goes the way we expect it to go. Not all the time, at least.

Throughout the entire flight home, I was hit hard by the side effects of CK. I vommited 5 times, had constant lethargy and a whizz of vertigo. Ha, but my misery does not end there.

For three days, my symptoms of vommiting, vertigo and lethargy did not ease but instead got much worse. I slept all day and all night and when I was awake, my thoughts were left to wander to the state of my health. The wall began to break down. NF bulldozed it in a mere second. I began to think of nothing but all the tumors in my brain and spine. Meniningiomas, ependymomas, schwannomas, neurofibromas….tumors tumors tumors…I began to scrutinize over my pathology reports, my MRI reports…I did endless research on the internet about the tumors needed to be excised..I read through countless blogs of people’s experiences with NF. How they had to watch loved ones go through endless surgeries, become deaf and blind, only to then die a slow and painful death. I began to reflect on my life, especially these last 10 years and wondered if in the future, the same fate would befall me. If so, my life seemed like a worthless, undignified one. Ultimately, I just felt completely overwhelmed and helpless to do anything to make my life mean something before I depart to the other side. If 10 years can take away so much from me, what will be of me in the next 10 years? I thought of nothing but this for the next three weeks.

The second stage of my coping: DEPRESSION

As my thoughts were focused on the what-ifs and likelihoods of the future, I succumbed to a state of intense depression. I cried at almost every chance I got, I lay in bed all day, thinking of nothing but the absurdity of life. Why was I born? Why is it that I had to suffer through this while being cared for by a single parent? Why does sickness befall those who don’t have the resources to look after themselves (I had many people in mind)? What the hell did I do in my past life to deserve this? Why was God being unfair to me and  to others around me? If my life is going to end in a miserable sordid state, warped by countless surgeries, why not just end my misery now? My whole f-ing family have their whole lives ahead of them, with all senses intact while mine was rotting away. How could they insinuate that they are there for me when they cannot possibly comprehend what it’s like to be in my shoes? I hated the whole damn world, and I especially resented those who tried to empathize with me. I hated the condescension I received from certain individuals. Boy, did I just want to die. Or maybe, I wanted to live life so bad that if I couldn’t, I just wanted to die.

What made my depression worse was the fact I had to drop an entire semester of college. The one thing which always kept my eye on the bigger picture was my belief in education. That ultimately, my education would liberate me from a country which does not offer an ounce of a constructive support system for the disabled community, this is another story entirely however, for another entry perhaps. Though I know taking a sabbatical is only temporary, the fact is having nothing to do permits my mind to wander and permanently place itself on the current state of my health.

Ignorance as a child worked very well for me. As a child, I lived by the “out of sight, out of mind” motto and so it never occurred to me, ten years later, I had gone through experiences of possibly becoming blind, paralyzed and now, deaf. Now as a young adult, I can no longer ignore the consequences of having this disease because as a young adult, I have to take responsibility in deciding the next course of action with regards to my health. My mom no longer has jurisdiction over my body, I do. So do I continue to rot away or do I do something about it? 

Depression for me in those few bleak weeks were some of the lowest points in my life. Maybe, we have to hit rock bottom before we truly realize our potential, even multiple times. God only knows I have fallen into a deep, dark abyss many times in my 20 years of living, I can’t even count how many. But in each time, as God extended His hand, I climbed out, renewed in my faith and strengthened evermore in spirit. How true the tagline of this blog, that the human spirit is NEVER defeated unless it surrenders!

stage three: Doing something about it.

I began to pray again. With His guidance, I started doing what was necessary. Researching alternatives to treatment, preparing myself physically and emotionally for surgery. Stopped feeling sorry for myself. Convinced myself that everything of what I am going through has a reason for it and that suffering is only temporary. That irrespective of my ailing body, I will have something productive to contribute to this world. Appreciate the people in my life though they may not understand the pain I go through, their support and encouragement is what drives me to succeed. That I will not let my grandfather down as he truly believed in my capability regardless. Thank the Lord that He has set priorities in my life that not too many young and old people have today. Be thankful of the gifts He has blessed me with.

In life, there are times where we succeed and at all other times, we fail. But for all intents and purposes, true success in life is the ability to move through one defeat after another without losing enthusiasm. We must never lose hope and faith in a better tomorrow.

So come what may. Surgeries or no surgeries. I am ready to fight and I will win this battle and I will eventually win the war against this crippling disease.

As Mattie Stepanek once commented “I rather live life living till I die than live life dying till I die.”

Well said.

SO Apt for Malaysian Drivers!!

By Paul McCann

Careless cars cutting corners create confusion .
Crossing centrelines.
Countless collisions cost coffins.
Collect conscious change.
Copy?
Continue cautiously.
Comply?
Cool.

I got twitter now…I am downgrading myself to a cliche…hahahaha…but I love twitter…I think this updating your life’s nonsense is pretty cool…so if you wanna know the boring crap I do in my life each day….visit my blog and check out the left side bar:

<<<<<

over and out

Matthew 7:13-14, Mew International Version

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. ¹⁴But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

Matthew 7:13-14, King James Version

¹³Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:

 ¹⁴Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

From the old blog, for archiving purposes.

Jan. 31st, 2007 at 12:28 PM

Embedded in life is that of purpose,
And within purpose there is passion.
Passion to believe,
Passion to hope,
And most importantly, passion to love.

Though many assume prosperity in abundance,
So do many succumb to discern,
that genuine treasures lies in that of the heart.

Power, ignorance and egotism have blinded our eyes,
to the atrocities of now, the sufferings of the innocent.
Wars, famine, ailments, all the consequences of us.

But do not fear, do not be disheartened!
the Sovereign’s profound message still holds strong,
how fortunate we are, that someone believes in our entirety!

Don’t gallop too quickly, however,
the journey to purpose sways back and forth,
hold on tight, because it is no easy ride.
But rest assured,
You are heard, from above and beyond.

From the old blog; for archiving purposes.

Aug. 14th, 2007 at 10:10 AM

Lesson today in Spanish: write a rhyming poem of vowels with at least two stanzas and at least four lines in each.

I HATE RHYMING, LET ALONE RHYMING IN SPANISH!! GRRR!

Anyway, here it is, I tried my best with a blend of cognates!

La vida es verdaderamente una celebración,
aunque habrá muchas complicaciones.
Haga no, sin embargo, permita que ellos afectar su concentración, porque es solamente una confrontación.

La vida es un regalo precioso,
¡Usted nunca sabe, cuando su vida puede caerse rodando apenas un precipicio!
Así, es recordado por favor,
nunca dar por sentado vida.

English translation:

Life is indeed a celebration,
although there will be many complications.
Don’t, however, let them affect your concentration,
because it is merely a confrontation.

Life is a precious gift,
You never know, when your life may just roll off a cliff!
So, please be reminded,
never to take life for granted.

Another poem in Spanish for assignment today.

¿Qué puedo decir yo acerca de la educación?
Es una combinación,
del conocimiento y la aspiración.

Sin ello, usted no tendrá alabanza.
Sin embargo, consigo, usted tendrá una percepción culta.
Con ese propósito en la mente,
aplique la diligencia y practique,
y la verdad que usted encontrará.

English translation:

What can I say about education?
It is a combination,
of knowledge and aspiration.

Without it, you will have no commendation.
However, with it, you will have an enlightened perception.
With that purpose in mind,
apply diligence and practice,
and the truth you shall find.

It takes something tragic to make one realize the beauty and truth of life’s enduring journey.